Representing yourself in Family Court seems to be popular these days. There are hundreds of websites that offer forms and information, and more forms, and more forms. What should you do?

First of all, family law is not all about filling in forms. If you read the various websites out there, you would think that all you have to do is find and complete the proper forms, and you can do it yourself. This is false, and here is why:

1) You must know your rights in order to bargain with them. Do you feel comfortable that you know, and understand, your legal rights? Remember, family law is state law and is different in every state. Accordingly, what you read on the internet about Connecticut or Illinois or even North Carolina is simply not the same as the law in South Carolina.

2) You must understand how the law works in order to accept certain responsibilities, or to give them up. Do you feel comfortable that you know how the law really works, above and beyond what you read on a page?

3) In Family Court, you will be held to the standards of practice of a licensed attorney in this state if you choose to represent yourself. Do you feel comfortable that you know and understand those standards?

4) Are you prepared to accept the consequences of your actions, in representing yourself? You may enter into terms of agreement that you later find out are grossly wrong, and that hamper you for many years. Your lack of diligence will not be a reason for re-doing any agreement that has been approved by the Court, or any Order that has been issued by the Court.

5) Do you know how to behave in a courtroom if you need to be there? Courtrooms are truly awesome spaces, and they are intended to be so. You will not receive a judge’s sympathy because you have chosen to represent yourself, and any errors you may make will simply count against you in the ultimate outcome.

6) Lastly, would you operate on your own foot, pull your own teeth, prescribe your own glasses, amputate your own arm? To do these things, I believe you would seek out the services of a professional. Family Court has incredible power over you and your family. Disrespect that power, and you will find yourself in a situation which you will regret for the rest of your life.

Think before you act. Obtain good legal advice, accept it, and act on it. You can minimize the expenses of your own case in many ways, and you should seek a good working relationship with a competent Family Law attorney in order to protect your interests well.

Patricia O. DeTreville has been practicing exclusively in the South Carolina Family Courts for over 25 years. Please contact her at 843-571-0537 or pdetreville@detrevillelaw.com if she may assist you in any manner.

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DIVORCING WITH DIGNITY: IS IT POSSIBLE?

Have you considered the concept of “divorcing with dignity” – what would this mean to you, and to your family?

There are many ways to end a marriage. While most divorces simply come from sad and loveless dead-ends, others involve abuse of alcohol or drugs, abuse of spouses and/or children, and a whole litany of other very human behavior. What do you want for your family, for your children’s memories, and for everyone’s future?

If you have children, are you able to put their interests first? If you say that you can do this, give your children the eternal, life-long gift of never, ever saying anything bad about their other parent. Not to them, not within their hearing, not to their grandparents, not to your friends or neighbors – whether what you say is true, or not true, or half-true really does not matter. What matters is that you said it. If you said it, it stings and it stays, deep in the memories of your children and of the other people who have heard what you said. Eventually, your children will pull this piece from their memories, collectively or singly, and they will resent you for disparaging their other parent; after all, that is half of their biological identity you are criticizing or belittling. This is behavior you want to avoid, at all costs. So, Rule Number One for a “Divorce with Dignity” is to never, ever say bad things about your former (or soon to be former) spouse.

Have you heard all the horror stories about how long divorces take? About all the time you have to spend in Court? About how judges don’t listen to you or to your witnesses? Of course you have – these things are favorite topics in any barber shop or beauty salon, bar, weight room, etc. Considering the horror stories you have heard, is this what you want for your family? For yourself?

There are ways to avoid horror stories. Starting with Rule Number One outlined above, consider Rule Number Two: “Let’s Talk About It”. No one knows your circumstances better than you do, or better than your spouse does. Together, you know better than anyone what your children need, who can do what, who will do what, and what things cost. You can always leave all these details up to a very well-meaning but overworked Family Court judge, and hope for a Picasso but end up with a color-by-number result. Or, as a better alternative, talk to each other. Try talking in a public place, where you will be on your best behavior, such as in a large restaurant. Even better, try listening to your spouse at such a meeting. Every person I meet who is going through a divorce swears that their spouse never listens to them OR never hears them. Have you tried to listen? Listen to what the other has to say, make notes if you wish, and promise to return shortly to discuss your thoughts after you have considered his/her position.

Of course there are exceptions to every rule: persons who are in physical danger in the presence of the other spouse should not make informal attempts such as this. Persons who tend to be belittled or worn down may require a more formal setting. Some people have so little self-esteem left that they feel they cannot carry their own end of the conversation. For these individuals, as for everyone going through a divorce or separation, there is the alternative of Mediation.

Please look for my next blog, coming shortly, which will discuss mediation in more detail.

Patricia O. DeTreville serves of counsel to DeTreville Law & Mediation, LLC, and may be reached by telephone at 571-0537 or by email at pdetreville@detrevillelaw.com.

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